A Perfect weekend – a set of 6 tragic stories

This is a highly satirical story and the author bears no responsibility if the person reading gets angry or mad or both. The writer just wrote what he felt was ok and gives a *uck if the readers mind it or not, so read it on your own. Enjoy suckers!

P.S. words tat you don’t get, either Google them or look for them in http://www.urbandictionary.com/

A Perfect weekend – a set of 6 tragic stories

Story # 1: Till death do us part…

*BACHELOR LIFE ANYMORE? HOSPITAL -- Operation theater* on a table lies a fat bellied-young man looking extremely exhausted and worn out, hair fallen off, seems as if a 30 something man is lying.

Looks at the sweet young strawberry colored nurse and smiles, the nurse smiles back but then looks at the wedding ring in the hand the smile fades away.

The operation starts, a famous doctor looks for signs of the bachelor life.

The bachelor-life-display shows little spikes which increase as the sweet young nurse comes near, and decreases when the nurse moves away.

The doctor sends the nurse out and asks for a male nurse.

As the male nurse enters the bachelor-life-display goes mad.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…beeeeep…Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…beeeeep…

Nurse: 300 Volts coming!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…beeeeep…Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…beeeeep…

Nurse: 400 Volts coming!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Nurse: 450 Volts!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

*Silence*

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ---- *display turned off*

Doctor steps out of the room turns to the 8 people standing, says: “Sorry!”

*Silence! – A sob or two in the background*

Profile:

Name: Married-one
Age: 24 Yrs
Marital Status: Married
Cause of separation from the living: The impossible effort of living in two different worlds at the same time.

*Standing amongst the many mourners is, a Chief Justice, a student, a baingun, a shabbily dressed employee, a black-listed, a biased critic, a shop-keeper and the author.

The CJ looks down for a minute, looks up and says: “It was a pleasure meeting you all here, sorry but I have a press conference to attend”

The student says: “This is a sad thing to happen”

The baingun rolled away silently.

The black-listed: “Sigh! Atleast now I am not on the list”

The biased-critic said in an airily tone: “NO never”

The shabbily dressed employee said: “Baray hi farigh ho tum loog jo idhar agaye.”

The shop-keeper silent did not have enough credit to say anything.

The author *scribbling down hastily whatever he hears and sees.

Story # 2: STFU...Amadeus your symphonies are worse than a worn out carousel!

The biased-critic, sits down on his table littered with audio cassettes and CDs of famous bollywood singers. Two young men standing in front of the table looking slightly shaky. Outside chants of “Josh! Josh!” audible enough to wake a drugged patient.

Critic: “I-------have heard you can sing?”

Lead singer: “Yes sir, we can in fact we have recently…”

Critic: “So what genre-------do you do?”

The turbaned band member: “Sir jee, bhangra basically but we also do…”

Critic: “Sing something”

The turban man starts playing a little guitar, the singer: “Josh naal paa bhangra….”

Critic: “Stop! What is this…have you ever practiced singing in your life?”

The two stood silently ashamed.

Critic: “Sing something else”

The young men kept singing, but the critic kept interrupting and in the last said get out both of you. Useless pieces of shit!

The two singers scuttled out of the room.

The critic picks up the oldest model of a Samsung mobile and dials a number on it.

Tone, tone.

A harsh sound at the other end says: “Hello”

*Sound of traffic in the background*

Critic: “------------Hell---Lo”

CJ *at the other end*: “Yes what you say of the two?”

Critic: “No never!”

CJ: “Hmmm!”

Critic: “Hey, do you know the bus W-21 has a very strange route, it goes from Tariq Road, comes out from….”

CJ: “Abay tou mein kya karoon!”

*Line disconnected*

Story # 3: Chef’s Just-ice

CJ: “Hello commissioner”

Commissioner: “Kaun hai batameez?”

CJ: “Challllllllllllooooooooooooo!”

Commissioner *recognizing the CJ*: “Sorry sir, I thought it was someone else, sorry sir, sorry!”

CJ: “Okay okay! Listen two young men have left The Critic’s house just now, ask your men to arrest them and bring them to the PRESS CLUB”

Commissioner: “Yes sir!”

CJ: “Hello, do you know where the press club is????”

Commissioner: “Yes sir, near Zainab Market”

CJ: “Hehehehehehehe, no it’s on the Club road, and what about Singer chowrangi?”

Commissioner: “Korangi”

CJ: “No, Korangi Industrial area…heheheheheheh, and…”

Commissioner *now really pissed*: “Sir the two would escape I have to call my men too”

CJ: “Oh yeah, what the hell are you doing talking to me, go arrest them!”

*Line disconnected*

Commissioner: “Chu*ya”

CJ: “I am sure he would have called me a chu*ya just now, is ki bhi marni hai, secretary write down his name in the list too, driver what the *uck are you driving a donkey-cart?”

Driver: “Sorry sir, sorry”

CJ *silently under lips*: “Hehehehehehehe! Tight mari!”

*CJ in a press conference called at 1:15AM – the two young man handcuffed and flabbergasted standing in the front with the press taking there pictures*

CJ: “I hereby announce that I feel that these two won’t reach up to my levels expectations of performance and therefore, I sentence them to 12 years of prison-labor and after that 15 times death sentence and a penalty of US$100,000,000.”

Journalist standing nearby: “Sir but have you ever seen them perform?”

CJ: “No!”

Journalist: “Then how can you say that they…?”

CJ: “I said in the very first sentence that I feel...that they won’t be good”

Journalist: “but…”

CJ *apparently pissed on being questioned*: “and I also hereby sentence this journalist…” tries to look at his name on the PRESS card “whatever to the same penalty that I announced for them!”

Journalist: “But, sir...why?....no!...no!!!”

Police arrives handcuffs the journalist.

CJ: “The press conference is over!”

Another Journalist: “That’s it?”

CJ: “Do you want to join that person too?”

Turning to his secretary, says: “Do remind me I have two free lunches, three free dinners, and have a free concert to attend tomorrow evening.”

Story # 4: Azaadi Package

The black-listed got out of the hospital feeling very relaxed and eased and with a smile on his face.

The author: “Hey wasn’t he your friend?”

Black-listed: “Yeah he still is but since he’s gone now, the list is gone too, I am free now. Free! Hahahahahahahaha”

The author: “Ok, so what you gonna do now?”

The black-listed: “Celebrate of course”

The author: “How?”

Black-listed: “I am going over to The Student’s place have heard he’s got some new stuff.”

The author: “Hey I have heard that Josh is coming to Bahria, how about the concert, btw, I asked the student for some *** the student said a big NO. He said you had asked him not to give it away, have you? And yeah what kid of stuff has he acquired?”

The black-listed: “Bhai, your bro has left music, movies etc. so a big NO to CONCERTS and MOVIE NIGHTS. And yes I have asked him not to increase the damn of ***. And errrr…some new stuff you wont understand. Btw Jaws would be there too.”

The author: “Hmm good you left music and movies, pray we get rid of it too, and say my regards to Jaws.”

Black-listed: “Ok, see you around then!”

*Started the bike and rode away in the darkness*

Hours later, the author was walking down a quite road, he sees a person coming from the other end.

Story # 5: Hitchhiked

The shabbily dressed employee left the last cause he was the one best friend of the no-more-bachelor one. They claimed to know and be the best friends of each other since the first semester. The shabbily dressed employee came out and found the author standing alone.

Employee: “Hey author still here?”

Author: “Yeah was talking to black-listed, he just left.”

Employee: “Need a lift?”

Author: “Sure”

Employee *starting the bike*: “Hop on then”

Author: “I presume you are going to work?”

Employee: “Yeah! I am sure you guessed that by the way I look”

Author: “Errr…yeah! So what do you feel about the married-one?”

Employee: “Ah! He was my first semester friend, I am saddened by his loss.”

Author: “Hmm, I feel sad too, he was a nice person…sometimes!”

Employee: “Hahahahahahha…bahat tyt author…bahat tyt….hahahahhaha!”

Author: “Employee, I have heard there’s a concert at the university, interested in coming?”

Employee: “Haan of course kyun nahi...but we will go without paying the gate fee…4 saal ______ thori marayee hai Bahria mein…”

Author thinking why? Why? Not buy passes have they all forgotten the Alumni dinner fiasco?

Author: “You can drop me here, employee thank you very much.”

Employee *looking at the author lasciviously*: “Oh no author anything for you!”

Author: “Oh just give it a break! You couldn’t lay down a girl let aside a fully grown man, go to work!”

And with this the author started walking towards the dark corner which led to his home. From far away he sees a silhouette moving towards him.

Looking closely the author recognizes it was his friend Jaws.

Author: “Hey jaws!”

Jaws: “…………….oh! hey”

Author: “How are you dude?”

Jaws: “hmm good…BC Chelsea lost a lolly-pop game”

Author: “Hmm…so what up these days?”

Jaws: “Chu*yapa…Chelsea must have won tonight”

Author: “Okay! Hey you were at student’s palce where is black-listed?”

Jaws: “Abay itni dair sai baitha dekh raha tha *** ab kahan hoga…zahir hai bathroom mein hai!”

The two parted soon, the author walks away silently, jaws’ voice audible meters away cursing Chelsea.

Story # 6: The beginning of the end

The author reached home, feeling glad that the next day, Saturday, was off. Off Saturdays were authors’ most favorite days of the month, which he spent doing nothing but watching TV, playing CS and hanging out with friends.

He saw his brother preparing for the concert at the university next day. He felt a deep pang of pain inside thinking he won’t be going to any concert all thanks to his friend’s non-serious-about-the-damned–concert attitude. He sat down and thought about his friends;

1- Married-one: cant go he’s dead bachelorly.

2- The Black-listed: Ah! Khuda kai liay

3- The Shabbily dressed employee: Sure he would go, he SAYS so.

4- The Chief Justice: Only if I buy his tickets

5- The Critic: NO never

6- The baingun: *Thinking his brother is the security visualizes the baingun rolling away in whatever direction*

7- The Student: *Don’t know hadn’t asked yet cause he is so busy*

8- The Shopkeeper: Well one man ready besides me but his decision is depending upon the democracy. Will go when all will go.

Ah, so much for the concert. The author rolled over and went to sleep at an unknown hour of the night.

The next day starts, the author sees again his brother preparing for the concert his heart falls down in the pits of his stomach. He walks away, still feeling drowsy and feeling like spending the whole glorious Saturday sleeping. After having breakfast he sits down for the usual the TV and the Computer. After hours he thinks about something hey what about the usual Saturday gaming! Delightedly he picked up his cell phone and types in a question asking his friends whether they could make it to the gaming. The result as he was anticipating was poor. Half of the people questioned replied, and since the count of the pupil could not reach up to the desired number the program got cancelled. He texted all the members about the annulment of gaming.

Author: “SPLENDID!! NO CONCERT! AND NOW NO GAMING! *UCK”

His phone rings. He picks answers the phone, it was the student on the other end.

Student: “Hey friend, what are the plans for today?”

Author: “No plans dude!”

Student: “Why?”

Author: “No one going to the concert not enough people for the gaming”

Student: “Okay…then I am going to the concert, you coming?”

Author *thinks for a second, then he thinks about the previous occasions he calculates what percent of fun he’d be having with just the student and his new friends and the baingun*: “Ah! No thanks buddy you go ahead, you’ll have your class fellows there, I’ll stay home, when the electric power comes back I will sit down and play CS at home!”

Student: “Okay, Allah Hafiz then.”

Author: “Allah Hafiz”

*Line disconnected*

Have fun, the author thought.

The black-listed texted in, “Hey lets have a match we can be five, what do you say?” the author replied back that they’d be only four. The black-listed replied “Ok leave it then.” Soon the electricity came back, and the author went to the PC, but the issues with his network made him even madder and he went to bed early.

The next day started late and crept into the afternoon and then the evening. The author’s mobile rang, he had received a text message.

“Hey bhaioon ajj CS khailayn”

The author, pissed replied, “Sorry busy today!”

After pressing the send button the author thinks, I am giving away today’s opportunity and chance of fun too. He typed another message, “Do let me know about it, I have to attend a Soyem, will see if I can manage.”

He felt pleased thinking they might have a gaming now. His mobile phone rang again, he had a message. He opened it and read it as he read through the words his heart went from the darker-shade-of-maroon to almost black. The text message read “No gaming not enough guys!”. Ah what a perfect weekend I have had, voila! The author angrily sat down and thought lets write a blog entry about this atrocious behavior of his friends, the author wrote and wrote and wrote…

…and now he thinks at the end of this blog that, yaar if I had a boring weekend some of them must have had a boring weekend too. Anyways it was just this one weekend in the many past weeks perhaps a year. It is not as bad as I think it is. I did played some CS. For my friends who didn’t knew the concert on Saturday ended at 1:50AM, Josh performed well but the orchestra wasn’t playing they were playing to recorded music. Aarooh was the usual. Many outsiders, strict, rephrase Very Strict security, a private security organization was hired. Pass for outsiders cost Rs.500, student’s cards were checked, and since we have given away our cards therefore, we are officially outsiders, the pass we thought we’d get for 250 would have cost us 500 apiece. So Luckily I say you guys made a wise choice for once in your life. Here I end this story smiling on my self, for this story I have written, 9 page of MS Word. But we should have played the CS guys! Anyways, PRO Player GecKo would feel great pleasure in kickin’ your arses next week. Adieus.